So Now Where We Headed?

Cabins over the water in Fiji? Awesome safari in South Africa? 

Switzerland.

Wait. What? 

Gotta be one of the most disappointing final destinations ever. The Fantasy Suites just won't have the same cache for some reason. Best we can hope for is Ben and Courtney feed each other cheese fondue in some state of undress. Oh well. I'll take it. At any rate, here are the rankings:

1. Courtney. Mortal lock. I don't care who shows up to try and ruin it. This ship has sailed.

2. Lindzi. I think she ekes in here. Don't know why. Don't know how. But he likes her. She's in the final two.

3. Nicki. I've been predicting her downfall for three weeks now. And she keeps on proving me wrong. The road ends here which means it probably doesn't.

See you next week!

Hey! Hey!

We don't need that language.

"I Had No Clue This Was Coming."

Um...were you AT the hometown date? Because we were. Hence, we ALL saw it coming. Note to Kacie, keep the San Francisco wine maker dude you love as far as possible from parents who say things like, "I hope you're thinking about this decision prayerfully." That's gonna plant your ass in the back of a limo faster than Alli wearing a spelunking helmet. Not Ali. Alli.

Game Changer

After Jack Nicklaus ran away with the 1965 Masters, Bobby Jones said this: He plays a game with which I am not familiar. Well, you could say the same about Courtney's performance on the Bachelor. Going from bitchy to diabolical to cunning to sweet to naked right when she needed to. And just when you think you've seen all her pitches she unloads this on you. Quite possibly the most flawlessly orchestrated hometown date in the history of the Bachelor. Perfection. From the fake wedding, to the normal family with the nice spread, to the asymmetrical table cloth, to being, dare I say, genuine. She didn't just throw a great hometown date. She completely redefined the genre. You gotta respect it.

I Defy You

To not want to hang with Rick Robertson. That dude is a good time in a sweater vest.

These Guys Are All Siblings, Right?

This is too much. Obviously these crazy bastards are all related. That said, the vibe couldn't have been more different. Nicki's parents were sweet and nice. Kacie B's were weird and mean and pretty much killed her chances. Home town giveth. Home town taketh away.

Hey Mrs. B! Will You Accept This Rose

Sweater?

Am I Seeing This Right?

Think back to the last time you went to the Kmart photo studio. For me it was Christmas. Don't they always but the kids on the ground with the parents standing? This is the weirdest thing I've seen on the Bachelor and that includes Kirk's dad's taxidermy basement.

Whoa.

Check out Kacie's mom. She looks like what would happen if Sarah Palin boned Rachel Maddow and then the offspring was raised in the WalMart apparel department.

What The Fuck Is This Dress?

For the love of god. Don't want to judge an entire family on a dress, but I'm having a hard time not.

Douche Chills, Returneth

Good god this couldn't have gotten off to a worse start. Baton Twirl 1.0 was kind of cute. It was early. Wacky shit happens on the early one-on-ones and you have to make your mark. But these are the hometowns for Christ sake. The time for stunts is over. Now is when shit is gets real. Now is when you gotta show some range. So, plan for him to walk into your ballet studio and surprise him with a dance like Tenley. Or dress up in your old softball uniform and run out on the field like Roberto. But stop leaning on shit we've seen already. One trick pony if ever there was one.

Who Gives A Shit About The Race?

Is Lindzi's dad's name seriously Harry Cox? Talk about burying the goddamn lead. Harrison asleep at the switch. Tighten it up dude.

"If He's Going To Be With Me, Horses Are Going to Be a Part of Our Life."

OOOPH. That's reason enough to hit the trail. Saddle up. Stop horsing around. Whatever equine metaphor you want to throw at it. Horses are expensive as shit, time consuming, smell and expensive. Your weekends will be spent leaning on fences, looking at jumpers and trotters or some shit or driving ungodly distances to "go see a horse I want to buy." Throw in a dash of "You're only the second guy I've ever brought home" and a pinch of "I got dumped over text" and it's time to get trot her ass back to the stable.

Diabolical

Well goddamn she pulled it off. Emily is gone and Courtney's horrible plan is falling deliciously into place. A real shame. Of all the people to catch Courtney's shit bug, it's the epidemiologist.

So, I give up. For too many weeks I've been thinking Ben was going to wake up to Courtney's treacherous ways. But he hasn't. I'm starting to think he never will. So, for that reason here are my rankings heading into the hometowns:

Number One: Courtney. The only thing that pumps a weak man's ego more than than boning a stripper or a sexy bartender is dating a model. Ben's falling into that trap. Seen it a million times. Good luck, sucker. Seriously good luck.

Number Two: Kacie B. Pretty clear two-seed. She's the best remaining option by a stratosphere. But Ben has the horse blinders on. Speaking of...

Number Three: Lindzi. Hiding her craziness well, but I see it lurking. All the signs are there. Only one serious boyfriend. Crazy way of talking. Getting broken up with over a text that reads, "Welcome to Dumpsville population you." Into horses. I think she's out. 

Number Four: Nicki. Lucky to be in the hometown at all. Still scratching my head as to how it happened. Emily and Rachel seemed much stronger. But the road ends now. That I can assure you.

See you next week!

Hey, Are You A Total Bitch?

Courtney: No. I'm not a total bitch.
Ben:Ok. Good. I feel much better now.

Ben's running out of time. He's blind to the truth. I don't think we can help him anymore.

There Are Two Reasons Nicki Will Get A Rose

The Most Diabolical Shark on This Date

Is named Rachel. If Kacie B wants to get any attention, she better swim to the boat and pretend she's having an eating disorder flashback.

Things Just Got Weird

What the hell just happened? I feel like we just stumbled into one of those hidden camera porn sites that I've never been on.

Oh My Dad

Leave it to the Mayans. A writing system as early as 2,500 BC. Advanced in mathematics, science and astronomy. And the architecture, forget about it. Think of the toil, the skill, the sweat that went into a structure like this.

So that some three thousand years later...these two dipshits could enjoy it.

Apacolypto Her Ass!

Seriously. I don't even think human sacrifice is illegal down there. When they try to arrest you, just take a bite out of her heart and say "diplomatic immunity" or something. Worth a shot.