Oldest Trick in the Book

Ahh, the ol' wear a shirt with pleats and shit around the breasteses region to briefly tame the volcanos when you meet the family. The things that are an asset at the champagne-soaked pool parties can be your downfall when you meet the fam. Story as old as time itself.
Wait till they get a load of her asian themed tramp stamp...

Pretty Good Gene Pool

I first asked myself if it was gay to acknowledge that these are two pretty good looking brothers. Then I realized, it's no gayer than starting a blog on The Bachelor.
That made me feel better.

That's Prosapia Bitch

I take back all that stuff I said about that tattoo on his back. This shit just got real. On a side note, I wonder which ones are Womacks and which still use Picklesimer. Kind of a fair question.

Sorry For The Delay

I've been away, but I'm catching up now. My thoughts on the final episode coming soon.

Who Do You Think You Are Womack?

You've spent your time on the bachelor making up your own goddamn rules. You first have the audacity to not even get fake engaged on your first season. And this year, you've cut cocktail parties. You've axed girls (Britt) when it wasn't even an elimination date. You've told others (Emily) that they re getting a rose long before the actual ceremony. You seem to think that because it's your second rodeo you can shoot from your hip and do whatever you please. And I've let it slide.
But when you cut into Harrison's time by not letting him inform the girls that "there is only one rose remaining" you've gone too far, brother. You better reel it in and keep it between the lines from here on out or the Bachelor Blog is gonna track you down son.

Immortal words

"We can't build an actual future on the fact that we had an incredible carnival date."

Pickelsimer. Cutting to the heart of the matter even when it hurts like a bitch.

Most controversial season of the Bachelor ever? 

Yes. A million times, yes.

Just Get Through This Tough Talk, Then You Can Go To The Fantasy Suite and Discuss Mosquito Nets

Ashley reads situations as badly as anyone I've ever seen on the bachelor. Woman, all he wants you to say is: I'll move to Austin. And even if you don't really believe it, just frigging say it. This is about winning.
But once again you bumble your way through a key opportunity and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. You've gotten this far in spite of yourself. Which is amazing. Because are you terrible under the big lights, AND you're annoying as shit. I'm surprised Brad didn't jump out of God's window. Must have been so tempting.
And that rustling in the woods? Yeah that's Michelle ready to take you out with a blow gun. At least she had fight in her. You just suck.
.

STOP SCREAMING YOU SPAZ

Calm down. You're like a root canal to the temple region. Put some cotton balls in that gob hole of yours. And hey, why don't you go ahead and graduate dental school before you start walking around like you're Dr. Huxtable of crowns and incisors. 

Sentences That, Chances Are, Weren't Uttered at This Dinner

"No, no, no Brad. The Boer War, while an isolated conflict had huge, far reaching effects on the First World War."
or
"Emily. That's nuts. You're way overestimating the effects Divestment had in the eventual fall of Apartheid."

Nice Authentic African Picnic Set Up, Right There.

Ah yes. Just the way the tribesmen do it. A set up as authentic as saying, "I miss your daughter."

Most Automatic Fantasy Suite Acceptance Ever

Except maybe Vienna who basically gave Jake a handy under the table. And jeez, I don't know but I doubt that tree house really needs a key, right? More of a symbol, perhaps. I don't know.
Sidenote: Has Harrison gotten more tail by proxy than anyone else on earth? That guy just sets up tang year in and year out. Pimp ass Harrison. Doing what he do.

Rarest of Sightings

Many rangers have never even seen one. The shy and elusive Muffintop.

1st Rule of the Bush

A lot of people wonder what animal is responsible for the most human deaths in the bush. Lion? Nope. Rhino? Try again. Hippo. And there is one rule when you're out in the bush. Never get between one and Brad.

Private Reserves are For Punk Ass B*tches

Private Reserve.  What a crock. That ain't the real deal. The real stuff goes down in the general wide open national park. In the private reserves they know where all the animals are. You go out and see lions because they can't friggin' get out. Man. You'd think a show about finding real love would have a little more integrity than this. I'm starting to think some of the stuff we see is, like, staged.

Quick Ashley Date Flashback

What the hell is that girl who ruined Sandra Bullock's marriage doing with Brad and Ash? Beat it. You've caused enough hurt, thank you.

Ho Hum, Just taking off from JFK

Ok. I don't know much about New York area airports, but this ain't one of them.
I know what you're thinking Harrison. The Bachelor audience is dumb. They'll never pick up on this sloppy ass editting. Just use the clip of a much smaller airplane taking off from an airstrip in South Africa, pretend it's New York. No biggie.
Sorry buddy. The Bachelor Blog is on the case now. Things just got real so tighten it up.
Jesus. I guess I'm not the only one getting lazy late in the game.

Gotta Punt on Last Week's Summary

Sorry, but going to have to keep it short and sweet on last week. Chantal's house so dominated my psyche, I don't think I can properly assess the rest of the dates. But here are a few parting shots.
Ashley's date:
No one's ever eaten eaten poutine sober, so it's just stupid to order it for a beer free lunch. I give this lunch an F.
And why can't anyone have a normal front door anymore? Every goddamn front door has some bad stained glass effect. Along with nails and luggage, front doors say a lot about what you're dealing with. Would some normal glass and wood be too much to ask?
Brad having never heard of the Acadian people means he has no clue about the kick ass song Acadian Driftwood by the Band and just proves how boring and lame he really is.
I mean come on dude. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=te7KW4K-00E
Maybe it's all going to come down to Brad choosing the best girl he can not talk about interesting stuff with.

Shawntel
If someone asked me to close my eyes and picture a mortician and/or pedophile I'd come up with something that looks exactly like Mr. Shawntel. Flat creepy.
I would have headed for the hills if I was Brad too.
But come on. You need to take a tour of the place, lie on the death table and pretty much hook up the drainage hose to your brain stem? We didn't tour Mr. Chantal's marble column factory, I don't know why we had to tour this. Unfair at every turn. She never had a chance. Got blood on your hands Harrison.

Emily
Didn't watch it. Couldn't bear it. So goddamn boring I just couldn't stomach it again. I know exactly what happened without even watching it. No conversation to speak of. Talk of Rikki and Ricky. Whether it's in a barn, on flag stone or on their own private island it's the same old crap. No thanks. I'll watch the Velveeta ad on ABC.com thank you very much. Much more natural and far more entertaining.