And...It's Over

Give Me Your Forever

Which to you is about the middle of March.

Oh, One Last Question

What's that thing on your shoulder?

What Pain Looks Like

Is it heartless that I just keep wondering what he's going to do with that stupid map she made?

Baby Got Back Fat

The one arm Bam-Bam dress might not have been the best call.

The Dreaded "First To Arrive"

Ahh, the first step of the condemned. If I were Chantal I would have made it a lot easier on myself. I'd send a text: Hey Em. What time are you do over at the vineyard? 12:30?
Oh shit, I'm supposed to be over at noon. Guess I should just head for the airport.

When You Want To Say I Love You

For two or three months, say it with Neil Lane Bridal.

Just a Bad Look

Nothing else to say really.

Did I Just See An Eskimo Kiss?

Holy shit. Chantal, pack your pink luggage because an Eskimo kiss pretty much seals it.

A Star for Our First Kiss...

And an exclamation point for the first time we did the Belgian Wheelbarrow.

I feel like I've Known You For Five Years

Which is just about the point where I dump the bitch.

Oldest Trick in the Book

Ahh, the ol' wear a shirt with pleats and shit around the breasteses region to briefly tame the volcanos when you meet the family. The things that are an asset at the champagne-soaked pool parties can be your downfall when you meet the fam. Story as old as time itself.
Wait till they get a load of her asian themed tramp stamp...

Pretty Good Gene Pool

I first asked myself if it was gay to acknowledge that these are two pretty good looking brothers. Then I realized, it's no gayer than starting a blog on The Bachelor.
That made me feel better.

That's Prosapia Bitch

I take back all that stuff I said about that tattoo on his back. This shit just got real. On a side note, I wonder which ones are Womacks and which still use Picklesimer. Kind of a fair question.

Sorry For The Delay

I've been away, but I'm catching up now. My thoughts on the final episode coming soon.

Who Do You Think You Are Womack?

You've spent your time on the bachelor making up your own goddamn rules. You first have the audacity to not even get fake engaged on your first season. And this year, you've cut cocktail parties. You've axed girls (Britt) when it wasn't even an elimination date. You've told others (Emily) that they re getting a rose long before the actual ceremony. You seem to think that because it's your second rodeo you can shoot from your hip and do whatever you please. And I've let it slide.
But when you cut into Harrison's time by not letting him inform the girls that "there is only one rose remaining" you've gone too far, brother. You better reel it in and keep it between the lines from here on out or the Bachelor Blog is gonna track you down son.

Immortal words

"We can't build an actual future on the fact that we had an incredible carnival date."

Pickelsimer. Cutting to the heart of the matter even when it hurts like a bitch.

Most controversial season of the Bachelor ever? 

Yes. A million times, yes.

Just Get Through This Tough Talk, Then You Can Go To The Fantasy Suite and Discuss Mosquito Nets

Ashley reads situations as badly as anyone I've ever seen on the bachelor. Woman, all he wants you to say is: I'll move to Austin. And even if you don't really believe it, just frigging say it. This is about winning.
But once again you bumble your way through a key opportunity and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. You've gotten this far in spite of yourself. Which is amazing. Because are you terrible under the big lights, AND you're annoying as shit. I'm surprised Brad didn't jump out of God's window. Must have been so tempting.
And that rustling in the woods? Yeah that's Michelle ready to take you out with a blow gun. At least she had fight in her. You just suck.
.

STOP SCREAMING YOU SPAZ

Calm down. You're like a root canal to the temple region. Put some cotton balls in that gob hole of yours. And hey, why don't you go ahead and graduate dental school before you start walking around like you're Dr. Huxtable of crowns and incisors. 

Sentences That, Chances Are, Weren't Uttered at This Dinner

"No, no, no Brad. The Boer War, while an isolated conflict had huge, far reaching effects on the First World War."
or
"Emily. That's nuts. You're way overestimating the effects Divestment had in the eventual fall of Apartheid."

Nice Authentic African Picnic Set Up, Right There.

Ah yes. Just the way the tribesmen do it. A set up as authentic as saying, "I miss your daughter."

Most Automatic Fantasy Suite Acceptance Ever

Except maybe Vienna who basically gave Jake a handy under the table. And jeez, I don't know but I doubt that tree house really needs a key, right? More of a symbol, perhaps. I don't know.
Sidenote: Has Harrison gotten more tail by proxy than anyone else on earth? That guy just sets up tang year in and year out. Pimp ass Harrison. Doing what he do.

Rarest of Sightings

Many rangers have never even seen one. The shy and elusive Muffintop.

1st Rule of the Bush

A lot of people wonder what animal is responsible for the most human deaths in the bush. Lion? Nope. Rhino? Try again. Hippo. And there is one rule when you're out in the bush. Never get between one and Brad.

Private Reserves are For Punk Ass B*tches

Private Reserve.  What a crock. That ain't the real deal. The real stuff goes down in the general wide open national park. In the private reserves they know where all the animals are. You go out and see lions because they can't friggin' get out. Man. You'd think a show about finding real love would have a little more integrity than this. I'm starting to think some of the stuff we see is, like, staged.

Quick Ashley Date Flashback

What the hell is that girl who ruined Sandra Bullock's marriage doing with Brad and Ash? Beat it. You've caused enough hurt, thank you.

Ho Hum, Just taking off from JFK

Ok. I don't know much about New York area airports, but this ain't one of them.
I know what you're thinking Harrison. The Bachelor audience is dumb. They'll never pick up on this sloppy ass editting. Just use the clip of a much smaller airplane taking off from an airstrip in South Africa, pretend it's New York. No biggie.
Sorry buddy. The Bachelor Blog is on the case now. Things just got real so tighten it up.
Jesus. I guess I'm not the only one getting lazy late in the game.

Gotta Punt on Last Week's Summary

Sorry, but going to have to keep it short and sweet on last week. Chantal's house so dominated my psyche, I don't think I can properly assess the rest of the dates. But here are a few parting shots.
Ashley's date:
No one's ever eaten eaten poutine sober, so it's just stupid to order it for a beer free lunch. I give this lunch an F.
And why can't anyone have a normal front door anymore? Every goddamn front door has some bad stained glass effect. Along with nails and luggage, front doors say a lot about what you're dealing with. Would some normal glass and wood be too much to ask?
Brad having never heard of the Acadian people means he has no clue about the kick ass song Acadian Driftwood by the Band and just proves how boring and lame he really is.
I mean come on dude. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=te7KW4K-00E
Maybe it's all going to come down to Brad choosing the best girl he can not talk about interesting stuff with.

Shawntel
If someone asked me to close my eyes and picture a mortician and/or pedophile I'd come up with something that looks exactly like Mr. Shawntel. Flat creepy.
I would have headed for the hills if I was Brad too.
But come on. You need to take a tour of the place, lie on the death table and pretty much hook up the drainage hose to your brain stem? We didn't tour Mr. Chantal's marble column factory, I don't know why we had to tour this. Unfair at every turn. She never had a chance. Got blood on your hands Harrison.

Emily
Didn't watch it. Couldn't bear it. So goddamn boring I just couldn't stomach it again. I know exactly what happened without even watching it. No conversation to speak of. Talk of Rikki and Ricky. Whether it's in a barn, on flag stone or on their own private island it's the same old crap. No thanks. I'll watch the Velveeta ad on ABC.com thank you very much. Much more natural and far more entertaining.

"Where's The Bathroom?"

Oh, you can't miss it. Go over the moat and bang a right at the portcullis. Go down that hallway and at fifteenth door on the left go right until you hit the marble statue of my dad reinterpreted as the god Poseidon being felated by seven mermaids. Then you'll see a large silk rope hanging from the ceiling. Pull that and a guy with a hunchback will pop out of his cage and guide you the rest of the way.

Finally

 I've Been Looking For Some Good Goblet-Themed Candlestick Holders

Holy Front Door

Look at the size of that fucking thing. I need to sit down. This is the worst house I've ever seen. If Donald Trump walked into this house he'd be like "Tone it down Bro."

Welcome to Chantal's Home!

Tough To Shake That Bachelor Weight

Yikes Chantal. Not rebounding well from weeks of sitting around boozing and crying. She looks like five pounds of sausage stuffed into a two pound casing.

ABC Streaming Officially Sucks Ass

Sorry for the delay, but ABC.com is letting me down big time. The ads play smooth as butter, but the content is jumpy and slow at best. That's why the images I've been pulling suck so badly lately.  At any rate, I'll battle through and hope to have week 8 done over the next few days. Thanks for the patience.

On to the Hometowns!

"Harrison has given me 100% assurance that Michelle is safely in police custody.  So we can all enjoy this night and look forward to the thing that is more important to me than anything: big tattoos that say "family" in Latin."

This Crazy Goes To 11

No way Brad gets off that island without a stiletto in the temple.

Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya

Drive her directly to the NBA all-star game. She's got some whoring to do.

One of the Stranger Boob-to-Face Angles the Bachelor's Ever Given Us

Unleash the Crazy

"I see a very volatile woman." Translation: I've taken the crazy you've exhibited in three weeks time and extrapolated it to determine that after ten years together you will be chasing my car down the street with a 2 iron in your hand. So thanks but, I'm out.

Now I Know Why They Had to Wake Up At 2:00

"We've got a text book zit between the eyes here people. Let's get a full team on it STAT. Sunrise's in five hours so we gotta move."

The Hair is Shocking

Mean to say, but hair like this has no business in this century much less this season of the Bachelor. Britt, here's a subtle little suggestion:
http://www.locksoflove.org/

A Car Wreck in Slow Motion

Britt honey. You're getting dumped. He's been doing it over the course of five hours.  I couldn't help but think of Lloyd Christmas when she made that last desperate plea to stay: What was all that one in a million talk?

Prosapia

Well, this date is so ill-fated there's not much sense even addressing it. So, what I want to discuss is Brad's  tattoo. Just example of the Bach Blog being being Watson when everyone else is Ken Jennings.

Prosapia. Latin for Family. Good call Womack. Someone questions whether you're here for the right reasons you turn around, give em the double thumbs and Prosapiaize the cynical fucks. How's my family taste beeatch?

I also looked up what the Chinese characters on Chantal's ass crack mean and it's a little less deep: Slippery When Wet.

Weird When a Food Writer Clearly Doesn't Eat

What Hath God Wraught?

She looks like she sneaked into her mom's bathroom and started playing with her make-up. Clean it up Britt. Clean it up quick.

This Date Doesn't Rebuild

It reloads. I don't make proclamations often, only once or twice an episode, but here goes. This might be the least awkward date in the history of the Bachelor. A band with...gasp...other people around? What a notion. And a cool reggae band on the beach? Pretty frigging solid. Meanwhile Allie's soul weeps in a rain soaked cave somewhere.
Side note: All due respect to Mr. Bankie Banks, but being "maybe the best known singer in all of Anguilla" is a bit like saying I'm the best blogger in cubicle 10-27B. Which of course I am.

Is It...Is It...RAINING?

For the second time this season rain has completely blown people's minds. Or as Shawntel put it. "It couldn't get any better. We have like a pour down rain."

Good Place For a Picnic?

"Okay, go down this road and bang a left at the enormous pile of goat shit. Can't miss it."

Killin' It At the Farmer's Market

You can't have a Caribbean farmer's market date without recalling Jake and Gia's awkward as shit stroll through the streets of St. Lucia. I still get a cold chill every time I think about it.
So this was set up for failure.
But I'll be damned if Shawntel didn't straight kill this thing. Walked in there like she owned the place. Jumpin rope. Rolling bones with the old timers. Bringing fire everywhere she went. Womack was kind of lost in her entrails here. Guarantee Harrison was off camera fist bumping the shit out of the producers. A performance for the ages. It was Shawntel's world and we were all just living in it.

Breaking All The Rules

A guaranteed rose before the rose ceremony?! Holy shit. Maybe this is the most controversial season ever. Harrison's head just exploded off.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO SOMETHING

I looked at my watch during this segment and I swear it moved backwards. Just awful. I kicked back over to the ABC.com homepage to watch the Northern Quilted toilet paper ad for the 11,000 time just to watch something, anything more entertaining. I'd rather watch Michelle pick out her enormous rings than  this crap. 

"You Do Too Much On Our Dates"

Here we go again. Womack taking credit for levers Harrison's pulling. A little helicopter ride to a private island, perhaps. No biggie.
It's gonna be a real bummer when one of these girls locks into a lifetime of the dates Brad thinks up on his own. 2 Fast 2 Furious movie marathon anyone?
"This IS really nice" was Emily's big contribution to the conversation. Almost as deep at Picklesimer's "We're losing the sun. We're gaining the moon." Robert Frost is shitting himself.

Sorry for the Delay

I've been away. Then I had a problem with my version of Flash. Now the goddamn ABC site is running slowly. Really annoying. I'll get the latest episode recap up as soon as I can.

Been There

Well, just for lunch. Pretty pricey. But anyone who's been to the Caribbean knows that the one bad thing is the food, particularly salads. Well this place has it's own green houses and they grow their micro greens and shit. I only mention it because the awesomeness will be completely lost on this crew, god dammit.

At last the big payoff!

Wait what? Holy shit. I'm speechless. Totally speechless. Here I am thinking no picnic could ever possibly be worse than Jake and Tenley's in the mud in St. Lucia. That thing was teflon in the bad picnic community and everyone knew it. But here comes Brad and Allie bitch slapping that thing into the dark ages. I don't make declarations often, but where goes: This is the worst, most cursed one-on-one date in the history of the Bachelor. Brad might call the house and send an additional girl home just to send a message of how colossally bad this was.