"Where's The Bathroom?"

Oh, you can't miss it. Go over the moat and bang a right at the portcullis. Go down that hallway and at fifteenth door on the left go right until you hit the marble statue of my dad reinterpreted as the god Poseidon being felated by seven mermaids. Then you'll see a large silk rope hanging from the ceiling. Pull that and a guy with a hunchback will pop out of his cage and guide you the rest of the way.

Finally

 I've Been Looking For Some Good Goblet-Themed Candlestick Holders

Holy Front Door

Look at the size of that fucking thing. I need to sit down. This is the worst house I've ever seen. If Donald Trump walked into this house he'd be like "Tone it down Bro."

Welcome to Chantal's Home!

Tough To Shake That Bachelor Weight

Yikes Chantal. Not rebounding well from weeks of sitting around boozing and crying. She looks like five pounds of sausage stuffed into a two pound casing.

ABC Streaming Officially Sucks Ass

Sorry for the delay, but ABC.com is letting me down big time. The ads play smooth as butter, but the content is jumpy and slow at best. That's why the images I've been pulling suck so badly lately.  At any rate, I'll battle through and hope to have week 8 done over the next few days. Thanks for the patience.

On to the Hometowns!

"Harrison has given me 100% assurance that Michelle is safely in police custody.  So we can all enjoy this night and look forward to the thing that is more important to me than anything: big tattoos that say "family" in Latin."

This Crazy Goes To 11

No way Brad gets off that island without a stiletto in the temple.

Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya

Drive her directly to the NBA all-star game. She's got some whoring to do.

One of the Stranger Boob-to-Face Angles the Bachelor's Ever Given Us

Unleash the Crazy

"I see a very volatile woman." Translation: I've taken the crazy you've exhibited in three weeks time and extrapolated it to determine that after ten years together you will be chasing my car down the street with a 2 iron in your hand. So thanks but, I'm out.

Now I Know Why They Had to Wake Up At 2:00

"We've got a text book zit between the eyes here people. Let's get a full team on it STAT. Sunrise's in five hours so we gotta move."

The Hair is Shocking

Mean to say, but hair like this has no business in this century much less this season of the Bachelor. Britt, here's a subtle little suggestion:
http://www.locksoflove.org/

A Car Wreck in Slow Motion

Britt honey. You're getting dumped. He's been doing it over the course of five hours.  I couldn't help but think of Lloyd Christmas when she made that last desperate plea to stay: What was all that one in a million talk?

Prosapia

Well, this date is so ill-fated there's not much sense even addressing it. So, what I want to discuss is Brad's  tattoo. Just example of the Bach Blog being being Watson when everyone else is Ken Jennings.

Prosapia. Latin for Family. Good call Womack. Someone questions whether you're here for the right reasons you turn around, give em the double thumbs and Prosapiaize the cynical fucks. How's my family taste beeatch?

I also looked up what the Chinese characters on Chantal's ass crack mean and it's a little less deep: Slippery When Wet.

Weird When a Food Writer Clearly Doesn't Eat

What Hath God Wraught?

She looks like she sneaked into her mom's bathroom and started playing with her make-up. Clean it up Britt. Clean it up quick.

This Date Doesn't Rebuild

It reloads. I don't make proclamations often, only once or twice an episode, but here goes. This might be the least awkward date in the history of the Bachelor. A band with...gasp...other people around? What a notion. And a cool reggae band on the beach? Pretty frigging solid. Meanwhile Allie's soul weeps in a rain soaked cave somewhere.
Side note: All due respect to Mr. Bankie Banks, but being "maybe the best known singer in all of Anguilla" is a bit like saying I'm the best blogger in cubicle 10-27B. Which of course I am.

Is It...Is It...RAINING?

For the second time this season rain has completely blown people's minds. Or as Shawntel put it. "It couldn't get any better. We have like a pour down rain."

Good Place For a Picnic?

"Okay, go down this road and bang a left at the enormous pile of goat shit. Can't miss it."

Killin' It At the Farmer's Market

You can't have a Caribbean farmer's market date without recalling Jake and Gia's awkward as shit stroll through the streets of St. Lucia. I still get a cold chill every time I think about it.
So this was set up for failure.
But I'll be damned if Shawntel didn't straight kill this thing. Walked in there like she owned the place. Jumpin rope. Rolling bones with the old timers. Bringing fire everywhere she went. Womack was kind of lost in her entrails here. Guarantee Harrison was off camera fist bumping the shit out of the producers. A performance for the ages. It was Shawntel's world and we were all just living in it.

Breaking All The Rules

A guaranteed rose before the rose ceremony?! Holy shit. Maybe this is the most controversial season ever. Harrison's head just exploded off.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO SOMETHING

I looked at my watch during this segment and I swear it moved backwards. Just awful. I kicked back over to the ABC.com homepage to watch the Northern Quilted toilet paper ad for the 11,000 time just to watch something, anything more entertaining. I'd rather watch Michelle pick out her enormous rings than  this crap. 

"You Do Too Much On Our Dates"

Here we go again. Womack taking credit for levers Harrison's pulling. A little helicopter ride to a private island, perhaps. No biggie.
It's gonna be a real bummer when one of these girls locks into a lifetime of the dates Brad thinks up on his own. 2 Fast 2 Furious movie marathon anyone?
"This IS really nice" was Emily's big contribution to the conversation. Almost as deep at Picklesimer's "We're losing the sun. We're gaining the moon." Robert Frost is shitting himself.

Sorry for the Delay

I've been away. Then I had a problem with my version of Flash. Now the goddamn ABC site is running slowly. Really annoying. I'll get the latest episode recap up as soon as I can.

Been There

Well, just for lunch. Pretty pricey. But anyone who's been to the Caribbean knows that the one bad thing is the food, particularly salads. Well this place has it's own green houses and they grow their micro greens and shit. I only mention it because the awesomeness will be completely lost on this crew, god dammit.

At last the big payoff!

Wait what? Holy shit. I'm speechless. Totally speechless. Here I am thinking no picnic could ever possibly be worse than Jake and Tenley's in the mud in St. Lucia. That thing was teflon in the bad picnic community and everyone knew it. But here comes Brad and Allie bitch slapping that thing into the dark ages. I don't make declarations often, but where goes: This is the worst, most cursed one-on-one date in the history of the Bachelor. Brad might call the house and send an additional girl home just to send a message of how colossally bad this was.

Allie To Self: Be Strong

Just close your eyes and try not to think about that fact that Shawntel got a shopping spree at the mall at City Center for her one-on-one date. Allowed to buy anything she wanted. Don't think about the $5,000 purse and those shoes. Put it out of your head. There's probably a romantic picnic waiting for you at the end of all this spider infested hell hole.

Holy Disaster

OOOPH...

When it comes to looking sexy, horses are tricky. Girl in a cowboy hat, checkered shirt rolled up to the navel wearing jeans riding a big tall thoroughbred can really get your juices flowing.

Girl in Lulu Lemon wearing a helmet on a horse the size of a donkey is a total train wreck. Hey Harrison, this is a woman with ass issues. Can you hook a girl up and get her a bigger horse? Act like a professional for once. 

"Jackie Bless Her Heart Is...Dramatic"

So a less savvy blogger would take the bait here and point out that Michelle calling Jackie a drama queen is the pot calling the kettle black. But that's the low hanging fruit and I don't play that way. So when I don't have anything to say about a segment, I'm just going to point out random things about Michelle that annoy me. Here's today's:

Her chin seems independent from her face.

Mount Womack is About To Prematurely Erupt

When the cynics out there tell me that everything on the Bachelor is fake and set up and not real I'm gonna stick this scene in their grill mix. Not real? Tell that to Picklesimer's groin region. Guarantee out takes on the DVD boxset will feature shots of him sitting with an ice bucket on his package.

This is a total game changer. Total.

Hey Harrison. Clean this Shit Up.

We'll be inside.

"Look at The Little Animals Down There!"

They're called cows. Fairly exotic, but we have them at home too if you look hard enough.

To Chantal 0: Love is Tender. Love is True...

I'm going to shove my cock and balls into a harness for you.

Love,

Brad

With Chantal's Arrival, Now Costa Rica's Second Biggest Peaks

"It's Amazing. This Place Feels So Organic"

Listen Ashley S, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but you're staying at Disney in the jungle. You've got a chlorinated hot tub, pool, gift shop, toilets, spas, theme restaurants, silicone jammed women and toilets and spas. You're not doing the earth any favors by your little stay in the jungle. So just shut your trap and concentrate on love.

Breaking News: Emily Looks Amazing

Where did this come from? She looks toned down, natural, less plastic and totally pulling off the traditional Costa Rican braid from middle of bangs over right ear look. I  had to do a double take twice to properly take it in. Things are so different down there I guess.

Pre-Week 6 Power Rankings

It's tivoed week 6. I haven't watched it. You just have to trust me here. I joke around about a lot of stuff, but I never joke about the Bachelor.

1. Emily--Just chuggin' along doing her non-thing. She gets more coddling than a first-timer at key party.
2. Chantal--big shake up here. It's not a question of what Chantal did to improve her ranking. It's a matter that there must be some justice in the world.
3. Michelle--Zebra print skanks don't deserve being in the top 2.
4. Shawntel--I don't know. Something interesting is going on here. Slowly eeking her way into his neck drain.
5. Ashley H--still the mystery lingerer of the season. Sticks around for now. But fairly soon, this infected tooth gets pulled.
6. Jackie--Quiet since the one-on-one date. Next week could be the end, but stronger than the remaining two.
7. Britt--see notes from last week. Who is you? Shoulder blades are very pronounced, but that's more of an observation than an idictment.
8. Marissa--I appreciate the note and all that. A mix cd may have saved you. Notes ain't gonna cut it.
Week 6 coming soon. Sure to be the most controversial summary ever...

Ho Hum Just Another Week Of The Bachelor Blog Predicting the Shit Out of This Show

Sure you could say, "Bachelor Blog, you straight up had Allie and Jackie ranked behind Ashley S in your rankings last week. So you only guessed two of the eliminations correctly." By the letter of the law you'd be right, but predicting the battle of Ashley's was impossible and you've really just got to chalk that up to a total once in generation occurrence like the Oprah Network.

One M&M Away?

Everyone's been thinking it. I think. But does Chantal have the potential to really blow up later in life. I'm not saying she will. I'm just throwing it out there. This isn't about making friends. This is about calling ball and strikes and not mentioning it would be a disservice to all six of my followers.

Return to Sender

Well, she survives another day, but her time is coming. Obviously cross-cutting Are You Lonesome Tonight? with Ashley S in the back of the limo was a brilliant call.
And for the record, anything compared to Ali and Roberto at Lion King is a friggin' joke.

This is a Game of Confidence

And Ashley S' was dropping faster than Michelle's pants at NBA All-Star Weekend. That initial bounce we saw so beautifully at the first rose ceremony never really returned. Sure, they got a private concert from Seal, but it seemed he started playing stuff other than Crazy and Kiss From a Rose and that makes for a long night.
Anyway, the confidence was shot by the Cirque date. The other Ashley seemed much more comfortable and you could almost see Brad thinking: Now THAT'S the kind of girl I'm willing to shove my cock and balls in a harness for.

Sweet Codpiece Soldier

Battle of the Ashleys

Gotta admit. I didn't see this coming. Best friends battling over a man. In fairness, it's kind of like when Qatar plays Nigeria in basketball in the Olypmics. One will win the day, but neither are gonna be taking home any hardware back to the homeland.

NAILS

Saw this coming

This story's been cruising down Main Street for three weeks running and we all knew it.  Listen, it is terribly sad that she lost her fiance. Ricky Hendrick was a legit owner in NASCAR. I'm not not denying any of that. What I'm not buying this emotional tumult every time she gets a whiff of Penzoil. She's dated NASCAR drivers. She's done podcasts for the Speed Channel. This whole story line is as legit as her hair color. Time to move on.

Whoa. It's Like The Right Stuff

Except, the opposite.

The Conversation You Didn't Hear

It's a family business. A really good one. We're very successful, etc, etc. So go ahead Harrison. Put in all the wacky music you want. Stuff the segment full of goofy as shit editing to make her look like a fool. Bring the worst you got dude. Because how's Shawtel's rose taste punk?

OK, Now I've Seen the City!!

Not really sweetie. Looks to me like you're getting a basement floor view of CityCenter. Mix at the Mandalay has nice view. Voodoo at the Rio has a great view and a balcony with a glass floor that's kind of cool. You seem to be snuggling up next to the mall's air conditioning compressors. That's okay. Just don't bring up your profession and things should be fine.

$5,000?!

Is this nice? I'm really confused. I'm no fashion expert, but it looks like the inside of a conversion van from 1981. But what do I know.

The Over-Consumerism Is Sickening

Do we really have to show this kind of excess? It just seems in this terrible economic climate we shouldn't be flaunting...wait is that a Paul Smith bag? Never mind.

A MALL?! OK My Mind Is Officially Blown!

We DO NOT have malls like this in Chico. There are icebergs and...and...stores I've never even heard of.
Listen honey, if you can't handle the mall you do not want to go ride the roller coaster at the New York, New York. Your mind will melt off.
But in fairness to Shawntel the mall at CityCenter is impressively high end. If you're looking to chow down on some Pretzel Time while browsing Spencer Gifts you're shit of of luck. Believe me, I've tried.

Nice Vest Bro

Shopping spree's a really good idea. Let's focus on you.
Brad tells us that he's going to take a week in Vegas to figure out how he really feels about these girls. Um...Vegas isn't really the "figuring out" kind of place. Just saying.

Ma'am You Have a Coaster on Your Finger.