Number 4

Shawntel. There can be only one...and this one is mine. But not Brad's. She's gonna put up a spirited fight, but will be bagged and tagged before this thing is over. Needless to say, we're all hoping for at least a hometown date. Tour through the funeral parlor with wacky, zany music and a wide-eyed Brad anyone? Yes  please.

Number 5

Ashley S. I feel nauseous every time I look at her, like the three of us never got off the Scrambler. I don't know what Brad sees in you, but I'm not blind. He sees something. So I'm keeping you around for a few more weeks and that's as much fun as pissing on an electric fence. Just know I'll root against you every step of the way.

Number 6

Britt. You're gonna shy yourself right into the back of a limo. I want to root for you. I spit out my coffee when I'm not even drinking any every time you make out with Brad. We need to see more of that. Show me the real Britt. And cut your hair Rapunzel.

Number 7

Ashley S. Seal can only do so much. I just haven't felt much after that one on one date. The baby talk at the hot tub party last week made me lose all faith. Could be gone soon. It's a shame because she seems kind of fun, somewhat normal and that rare, hard to find combination of tiny body with big boobs. Don't you dare judge. These things matter.

Number 8

Jackie. Big fan. Seems normal. New York + artist is the universe's way of balancing Salt Lake + Hair Dresser. I just don't know if Brad sees what I do. Given his interest in Michelle, I fear not.

Number 9

Allie. You started things off as bad as you possibly can. The "a guy broke up with me because my ass was too big" story was one of the worst first impressions ever--second only to the girl who sang opera on The Bachelor, London Calling.  But you've hung around rope-a-dope style. You're Mohammad Allli. Took a ton of damage early, but you're rallying. But you need to start throwing punches honey.

Number 10

Lisa M.  She gets the Chris N award for "Who The Hell Are You?" Ring a bell?

Just skatin' through the rose ceremonies like it ain't no thang. Well, it's week five and things are getting real. Need I remind you of Chris N's fate?  So step it up. I've wracked my brain and the only thing I can remember about you is the Dorothy "no place like home" shoes from the first rose ceremony.  Make something happen or you're gonna be crying in the back of a limo while the memory of Harrison saying "Say your goodbyes" rings in your ears. I'm kind of a fan. You're hot. It's time to start playing like real love is on the line. Because look around. It is.

Number 11

Marissa. Who are you? You remind me of that little thing that lived inside Jabba the Hut's belly fat and just laughed at everything he said. Except instead of Jabba it's Chantal and he's not fat and gross, but kind of hot. Point is, you're just kind of attached to someone else. Find your own identity bro.

No Huge Surprises Here

I thought Marissa was going to get the heave ho, but she's still alive. I'll bet big, big money that she's gone next week. I never got the sense Meghan was here for the right reasons. It seemed like a game to her and this isn't a game. This is the Bachelor. And what was up with that weird run out the door. Not sexy. Not at all.
Lindsay seemed sweet enough but couldn't shake the collateral damage of wearing a Carhart workshirt at the hot tub party. Here's the deal with sexy spectrum on the bachelor. Keep it somewhere between wearing clothes in the hot tub and handing your panties to the bachelor at the first rose ceremony. There's plenty of room to move within those boundaries, but don't hang out on the extremes.
Stacey admitting that she cheated just flat killed her. Of course you could argue that being honest was smart, but we all know honesty doesn't have much to do with bachelor success...right Steven Pickelsimer?
See you next week.

One Ticket To Meltdown City

You can take the girl away from her pink luggage, but you can't take the pink luggage out of the girl. I'm sorry to tell it like it is, but the crazy is coming. Just wait.

Let's You and Me Grab Some Flagstone

Got me a Hickory Farms gift basket. Couple pillows and a blanket. Let's head out the driveway and make some magic happen. I was a little surprised Emily wasn't like:
Oh dang, the walkway is near the driveway. The driveway is where cars drive. Ricky raced cars. This is so hard...
But apparently we'll deal with that next week. Another boring conversation. She's final four lock and that's not changing. The girls inside felt insecure. And they should.

The Irony is Killing Me

The funeral director makes me and Brad feel so alive. Go Shawntel. Embalm me in your love.

So Boring

I hate this therapy storyline. It's like on Mr. Rogers when they used to follow the trolley back to Never Never Land with all the kings and talking cats and shit. Awful. Just keep things in Mr. Rogers apartment where the action is. Thanks.

Nice Dive

That was the worst looking dive I've ever seen. Face slapping on the top of the water like a four year old learning for the first time. "Chin to your chest, Michelle. Chin to your chest. Arms in front..."
What a joke. And I've never wanted a rope to snap so badly in my life.

What Temperature Is It?

I'm so friggin' confused right now I can't stand it. Brad's wearing a short sleeve t-shirt over a long sleeve t-short over a short sleeve t-shirt with a hoody and a Fonzie jacket. Michelle's wearing a boob top and nothing else.
The temperature has been messing with me this whole season. Seems like every date ends up with everyone freezing their asses off. Except, of course, Michelle. Must be the evidence I needed to prove she's not human.

OHHH SNAP

You go Chantal. Way to tell it like it is. That's what having a rose in your back pocket will get you. Confidence.
Michelle DID steal the spotlight at the first group date. What Ashley H is doing right now is EXACTLY what you did at that date. Suck it.
Oh wait...Oh you say yours is different because it was a moral issue for you. Oh, didn't know that. My bad. Never mind.

YUCK

Seriously, get it off of me. She looks like a dude. And she's even uglier on the inside.

Breaking Down The After Party

It's pretty well known that the real fireworks go off after the date portion. The hot tub party chez Brad was no different. Ashley S reverting to baby talk while stealing  Alli's time was disappointing. She's no longer running at the head of the pack, in my humble opinion.
Speaking of Alli, I didn't see anything too shocking sprouting out from her bikini bottom, pun intended. I still don't agree with her bringing up her big ass at the first rose ceremony, but this could be crisis averted.
Ashley H is in the queue right behind Michelle in the crazy/annoying department. She's more painful than one of her sloppy root canals. She missed a sure-thing rose in the hot tub...textbook example of stealing defeat from the jaws of victory.
Britt got her second cheesy guitar interlude of the episode, a sign to me that she ain't going anywhere for a few weeks. And even though she got the rose that was destined for Ashley H, she earned it fair and square. In the words of Herb Brooks: Great moments come from great opportunity.

BOOM. YOU JUST GOT PICKLESIMED.

One Of These Kids Is Doing Her Own Thing

Talk about sticking out. Everyone else is in sweet bikinis and Lindsay rockin' a Toughskins shirt. No bikini = No Rose. Don't hate the playa. Hate the game.

Doctor Snooze

Maybe I'm just bitter because last week someone told me they thought I looked like Dr. Drew. But I didn't get a lot out of this segment. But a few thoughts. Mike is no Adam Corolla. I was kind of at a loss for which one was supposed to be the funny guy. Where I come from, a Boston-based professional bartender admitting she's cheated ain't no breakthrough. Still a terrible move by Stacey. Drew may as well of asked, "Hey does it burn when any of you pee?". Even it it's true keep your hand in your pocket.
Britt nailed it. You know when the syrupy guitar comes in you're on to something good. They should step it up and have the guitar guy walk around with them at all times and he'd just kick into it whenever some good shit was going down.

Britt's Hair Is Too Long

I'm a fan, but seriously clean it up. No one wants to date Crystal Gayle.

Just a Little Something I Set Up

One of the subtle genius details of the bachelor is when the bachelor invariably takes credit for the stuff that happens on the date:
"Yeah, just wanted to fly Chantal to Catalina island on a helicopter where a buddy of mine totally hooked us up and let us walk on the kelpy ocean floor in astronaut outfits and then i set up his-and-her changing rooms on the beach with a futon and a fire and lots of candles. No biggie..."
Chris Harrison never gets any credit for being the brains behind all this and it kind of pisses me off.
For my money the date was a snooze fest. I felt like they were just biding their time until the invariable rose transaction. Chantal is in the top four. Everyone knows it. Including Chatal and Brad.
The best line of the date though was when it starting raining and Chantal said:
That's good luck.
Ahh, that old adage Rain is Good Luck. Chantal, I think it's actually something about rain on your wedding day being good luck, but whatever. A rose means more than a wedding ever could. Regardless your pink luggage is getting wheeled back into the house to fight another day.

This Ain't Tahiti

Everyone knows love can breath underwater. But I can't help think that this date missed the mark. Maybe it's the wet suits. Maybe it's the fact that they look like Lego men. Maybe it's the gross, kelp-riddled water...but this ain't sexy. Let's save these shenanigans for the destination dates. It's just common sense.

Take the Over

So a few weeks ago I set the helicopter ride over/under at 8. Take the over to the bank. Because we've already had two and everyone knows the destination dates are good for four. Just when I think I have this show figured out, Chris Harrison knees me in the balls.

Say It Ain't So Chantal

Pink molded plastic luggage? Did you not read my post from last week? I'm kind of at a loss. She seems normal. So, is she a bad luggage anomaly? Or do I need to rethink my entire bad luggage theory? What the hell is going on here. I can't help but think this is a sign that something sinister lurks within. I don't want to feel what I'm feeling, but luggage rarely lies.

Michelle Slutting It Up With Married Professional Athletes

Brad Womack isn't the only person on "The Bachelor" with a sketchy past.Contestant Michelle Money is opening up about her own mistake – an affair with a then-married NBA star (Carlos Boozer) – in the new issue of Life & Style


--NY Daily News


This is what's known as burying the lead. Of course she's slutting it up. Of course it's with a professional athlete. And of course that athlete is married.


The real story here is that her last name is Money. The twists and turns in this show makes Lost look like an episode of Bob The Builder. Don't try to make sense of it. Just sit back and let it take you.

What a Metaphor

Funny how this show works. You search and search for the right way to describe Michelle's role this season and BOOM The Bachelor reels back and smacks you in the gob hole.
This season's black eye.
This show is so much bigger than we are.
And "I think it's from stress" is one of the all time great black eye excuses ever. Every time I'm stressed I break out in black eyes and bloody fists. Weird. Clearly Chantel and the girls gave her a Code Red. Held her down in bed and beat her with pillow cases filled with soap bars. But she's too proud to admit it.
From a "see her and nauseate" perspective, Michelle is quickly becoming one of the greats. Right there with classics like.
Moana
That girl that wore the Princess crown
Vienna

Nails

Remember in the 50's when they'd have those "best legs" contests and women would stand behind a banner and people would vote on their legs alone? Neither do I, but i've seen it in movies. Let's do that with nails.
Because next to the luggage, nails might be the best compatibility test out there .
I'd make Chris Harrison get me one of those kids puppet stages. The women would stick their hands out from the curtain one by one and I'd instantly be able to make a call as to whether they get a rose. It's so simple.  The Bachelor never boils things down the the essentials, but that will change my year. That I can assure you.

Borrrring...

I will comment on Week 4 in more detail in a bit, but my first reaction was that this was a real snoozefest. This wasn't just boring. This was Women Tell All boring.
Maybe it's because the clock seems to go backwards every time Michelle is on screen.  Maybe it's because Brad's therapy B story is insufferable. I don't know. I just wasn't feeling it.
Things picked up a little when Brad and Emily went outside with the shrink-wrapped Hickory Farms basket, but by then it was kind of too little to late.
Or maybe it's because I had a lot of faith in Chantel and she let me down with the emotional breakdown. She let us all down.

Week 3...SEAL!

So, were you and your dad just into Kiss From a Rose or everything off the Batman Forever soundtrack?

Week 2 Recap...The Carnival

I gotta play catch up here, so week 2 and week 3 are gonna be quick ones.
Ashely and Brad's carnival date seemed a little hokey and fake. That is, until they went into the photobooth and then things started getting real.
I don't know much, but I know that talking about your homeless, addicted dad while lights from the Scrambler blink in the background is always a good call.
The fact that someone had set up a personal Big E for one date and Brad's reaction was "this is one of the best dates I've been on in a while." One of the best dates? You had the Scrambler, the Salt and Pepper Shaker and the Rotor all to your self and that's all you can muster?
You set that up where I come from and you're at least enjoying a gropefest in the parking lot.
I think his response says all you gotta know about this Ashely's long-term prospects. Good enough to eek out a rose, not good enough to make a serious, long term run.
And I can't shake the Nick Cage hair.

WEEEEE!

"Your dad is a homeless jerk? No way. Mine too!"

LIAR

"I ain't never dated no one since Ricky. It's just me and li'l Ricki..."
Bullshit. Several sources have reported she dated Dale Earnhardt, Jr and a gaggle of other race car drivers. America may have fallen for this aw-shucks crap but not me. Just another example of the Bachelor Blog playing chess when the bachelorettes are playing checkers.

Meet Stephen Picklesimer

Pickelsimer? I barely know her.

So what if he was arrested in 1993 for possession of a counterfeit driver's license. Or that he was also busted for public intoxication and passing a bad check. When your mug shot is this sexy rules don't apply to you thank you very much.

Cleaning up the name was certainly a must, and picking Womack seems like as good a choice as any.

Breaking News

I pretty much figured out why Michelle's daughter is named "Brielle." Her ex-husband's must have been Brian. Her name is Michelle. They combined them to create the future stripper name "Brielle." Just another example of us bringing you the deepest Bachelor insight on the web. No biggie.
(Truth be told, my wife figured this out but it came through osmosis from hanging out with me).

Let's Talk Luggage

When I'm the bachelor, this is how the first episode is going down. Forget the limos. Forget the opening cocktail party. Forget the first rose ceremony. I'm going to say to Chris Harrison "keep the girls out of site and bring in the luggage."
Pink molded plastic? Gone.
Zebra pattern? Gone.
Some Louis Vuitton number? Sorry.
For drama maybe they'd let me throw them in the Pacific.
Show me an outdoorsy backpacky number and I'll tell Chris Harrison to book a hometown date right then and there. Don't even need to see the girl.
Don't underestimate the power of luggage. Watch what comes rolling out of those rooms over the next few weeks and you'll understand what I mean.

Does Marissa Look Like Scottie Pippen?

A Few Final Thoughts

• they didn't even bother to add a token black girl.
• vegas has the helicopter ride over/under at 8.
• Brad's here for the right reasons.
• it makes me feel good that the bachelor is 38.
• Emily is going to bore the mother loving pee out of America.
• I think Britt wore the best dress.

One That Got Away?

Listen, I'm not here to pretend I'm an expert on love, but when a girl tells you that she played college volleyball you do not eliminate her before the first hot tub/pool party. I've been very clear about this.

Does Melissa Look a Little Like Jar Jar Binks?

Rule Number One of Vampire Fangs

Make them big enough so they don't just look like bad teeth. And I gotta say I'm happy that Brad went all Van Helsing on her ass. This ain't no joke, Madison. This is real. This is the Bachelor and I think the record of people finding love here speaks for its goddamn self. If you're going to joke around, go sign up for Temptation Island.

Whoa...

I just spit out my water and I wasn't even drinking any. From this view, it's not the keister I'm worried about. I'm looking at those sweater canons, grabbing my crampons and pick ax and hoping i make it to the top. Listen, I like the candor but bad time bad place. But, my desire to see her in a bikini just increased ten fold. Dying to see what's doing and I don't think I'm alone.

The Kasey Kahl Award For Awkward Singing Moment

Tighten it up Jackie. Singing you way to someone's heart has an awful track record on the bachelor. If you want to guard and protect hearts do it with bikinis and champagne. Never, ever with song. Amateur hour.

A Tale of Two Cocktail Hours

My bachelor instincts are never wrong. Ashley S nailed the cocktail party. Let this be a lesson to all of you bachelor hopefuls out there. Heed these words: I'm not gonna like give you any hard questions. I know like know what happened and like everyone has like stuff they've done wrong in past relationships...I can also like be a friend to you.
I'm honestly a little misty, because this is how it's done. Breaking it down, nothing heavy. Have fun. I'm a friend. Good god I expect a lot from Ashley S. An attitude like this gets you a first impression rose everyday and twice on sunday.

Compare it with Chantal who used her precious time with Brad to scold him: I have to know if you can make a decision. I won't be hurt by you.
Bad idea bro.

A Story As Old As Time Itself...

A great set of getaway sticks offset by skunk hair. Seen it a million times. This gets Kelty in at about average which is a real shame. A Rockette deserves more but she's got no one to blame but herself.

Leader in the Clubhouse

Brad just got tingly. And for good reason, Michelle straight brought it tonight. I'll spend the rest of the night trying to figure out her eyebrows and whether hairdresser + Salt Lake City is a toxic mix. Stay tuned.

Award For Best Funeral Director

Year in and year out he issues last rights to women with class and dignity not often seen on TV. He's a rare breed. When he tells you to say your goodbyes you fight the urge to thank him for it.
Second best, Shawntel. I like this one. Little make-up and maybe the most naturally pretty one to yet step out of the limo. I expect big things from her.

Don't Know Much

But I know bodies like this don't last long. I can almost hear Chris Harrison saying "Say your goodbyes."

Can I Buy a Vowel?

Or maybe a consonant. An F.