So Now Where We Headed?

Cabins over the water in Fiji? Awesome safari in South Africa? 

Switzerland.

Wait. What? 

Gotta be one of the most disappointing final destinations ever. The Fantasy Suites just won't have the same cache for some reason. Best we can hope for is Ben and Courtney feed each other cheese fondue in some state of undress. Oh well. I'll take it. At any rate, here are the rankings:

1. Courtney. Mortal lock. I don't care who shows up to try and ruin it. This ship has sailed.

2. Lindzi. I think she ekes in here. Don't know why. Don't know how. But he likes her. She's in the final two.

3. Nicki. I've been predicting her downfall for three weeks now. And she keeps on proving me wrong. The road ends here which means it probably doesn't.

See you next week!

Hey! Hey!

We don't need that language.

"I Had No Clue This Was Coming."

Um...were you AT the hometown date? Because we were. Hence, we ALL saw it coming. Note to Kacie, keep the San Francisco wine maker dude you love as far as possible from parents who say things like, "I hope you're thinking about this decision prayerfully." That's gonna plant your ass in the back of a limo faster than Alli wearing a spelunking helmet. Not Ali. Alli.

Game Changer

After Jack Nicklaus ran away with the 1965 Masters, Bobby Jones said this: He plays a game with which I am not familiar. Well, you could say the same about Courtney's performance on the Bachelor. Going from bitchy to diabolical to cunning to sweet to naked right when she needed to. And just when you think you've seen all her pitches she unloads this on you. Quite possibly the most flawlessly orchestrated hometown date in the history of the Bachelor. Perfection. From the fake wedding, to the normal family with the nice spread, to the asymmetrical table cloth, to being, dare I say, genuine. She didn't just throw a great hometown date. She completely redefined the genre. You gotta respect it.

I Defy You

To not want to hang with Rick Robertson. That dude is a good time in a sweater vest.

These Guys Are All Siblings, Right?

This is too much. Obviously these crazy bastards are all related. That said, the vibe couldn't have been more different. Nicki's parents were sweet and nice. Kacie B's were weird and mean and pretty much killed her chances. Home town giveth. Home town taketh away.

Hey Mrs. B! Will You Accept This Rose

Sweater?

Am I Seeing This Right?

Think back to the last time you went to the Kmart photo studio. For me it was Christmas. Don't they always but the kids on the ground with the parents standing? This is the weirdest thing I've seen on the Bachelor and that includes Kirk's dad's taxidermy basement.

Whoa.

Check out Kacie's mom. She looks like what would happen if Sarah Palin boned Rachel Maddow and then the offspring was raised in the WalMart apparel department.

What The Fuck Is This Dress?

For the love of god. Don't want to judge an entire family on a dress, but I'm having a hard time not.

Douche Chills, Returneth

Good god this couldn't have gotten off to a worse start. Baton Twirl 1.0 was kind of cute. It was early. Wacky shit happens on the early one-on-ones and you have to make your mark. But these are the hometowns for Christ sake. The time for stunts is over. Now is when shit is gets real. Now is when you gotta show some range. So, plan for him to walk into your ballet studio and surprise him with a dance like Tenley. Or dress up in your old softball uniform and run out on the field like Roberto. But stop leaning on shit we've seen already. One trick pony if ever there was one.

Who Gives A Shit About The Race?

Is Lindzi's dad's name seriously Harry Cox? Talk about burying the goddamn lead. Harrison asleep at the switch. Tighten it up dude.

"If He's Going To Be With Me, Horses Are Going to Be a Part of Our Life."

OOOPH. That's reason enough to hit the trail. Saddle up. Stop horsing around. Whatever equine metaphor you want to throw at it. Horses are expensive as shit, time consuming, smell and expensive. Your weekends will be spent leaning on fences, looking at jumpers and trotters or some shit or driving ungodly distances to "go see a horse I want to buy." Throw in a dash of "You're only the second guy I've ever brought home" and a pinch of "I got dumped over text" and it's time to get trot her ass back to the stable.

Diabolical

Well goddamn she pulled it off. Emily is gone and Courtney's horrible plan is falling deliciously into place. A real shame. Of all the people to catch Courtney's shit bug, it's the epidemiologist.

So, I give up. For too many weeks I've been thinking Ben was going to wake up to Courtney's treacherous ways. But he hasn't. I'm starting to think he never will. So, for that reason here are my rankings heading into the hometowns:

Number One: Courtney. The only thing that pumps a weak man's ego more than than boning a stripper or a sexy bartender is dating a model. Ben's falling into that trap. Seen it a million times. Good luck, sucker. Seriously good luck.

Number Two: Kacie B. Pretty clear two-seed. She's the best remaining option by a stratosphere. But Ben has the horse blinders on. Speaking of...

Number Three: Lindzi. Hiding her craziness well, but I see it lurking. All the signs are there. Only one serious boyfriend. Crazy way of talking. Getting broken up with over a text that reads, "Welcome to Dumpsville population you." Into horses. I think she's out. 

Number Four: Nicki. Lucky to be in the hometown at all. Still scratching my head as to how it happened. Emily and Rachel seemed much stronger. But the road ends now. That I can assure you.

See you next week!

Hey, Are You A Total Bitch?

Courtney: No. I'm not a total bitch.
Ben:Ok. Good. I feel much better now.

Ben's running out of time. He's blind to the truth. I don't think we can help him anymore.

There Are Two Reasons Nicki Will Get A Rose

The Most Diabolical Shark on This Date

Is named Rachel. If Kacie B wants to get any attention, she better swim to the boat and pretend she's having an eating disorder flashback.

Things Just Got Weird

What the hell just happened? I feel like we just stumbled into one of those hidden camera porn sites that I've never been on.

Oh My Dad

Leave it to the Mayans. A writing system as early as 2,500 BC. Advanced in mathematics, science and astronomy. And the architecture, forget about it. Think of the toil, the skill, the sweat that went into a structure like this.

So that some three thousand years later...these two dipshits could enjoy it.

Apacolypto Her Ass!

Seriously. I don't even think human sacrifice is illegal down there. When they try to arrest you, just take a bite out of her heart and say "diplomatic immunity" or something. Worth a shot.

I Dozed Off For A Second

And assumed this was a rerun of Brad and Shawntel's date at the farmer's market in Anguilla. Harrison is phoning this date in. Isn't there a zipline or something around?

If I Happened Upon This Message In a Bottle...

I'd smash it against a rock and stab myself in the throat.

I Don't Care Who It Is, I Just Hate To See Any Woman Cry.

Just kidding.

That Darn Courtney!!

"Is This Us?"

Is this us? No, um, we're the other blanket with pillows and wine and candles and shit. This is one is for a couple from Schenectady.

Here We Go Again

For The Love Of All Things Holy

Seriously Ben, what the fuck is up with the outfits in Belize? My god. If you had to describe this outfit to someone, you'd invariably encounter this.

There Goes One Theory

I guess Courtney does know how to read. Not at a high level, but I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong.

Oh God

Bad tank. Not a good way to get week seven going. Looks like a Jersey Shore meets Dutch Boy paint.

Week 7 Power Rankings

Perhaps we should take a moment and acknowledge the fact that my bottom three from last week are now gone. I'm back in the zone after the colossal Jennifer miss, but I think we were all rocked by that one. No one and I mean no one (not even Harrison) could have seen that one coming. Good to know I'm back on track, per usual.
Week 7 already. Hard to believe. Frankly, I feel like the field is getting muddled. There are some clear leaders and then a bunch of middle of the pack runners blocking things up like an impacted bowel.  But here's what I think.

One: Kacie B. I still think she's golden till the hometowns. That's what I'm really focusing on and she's a lock.
Two: Courtney. Again, too hot. She's back in the two-hole, but I think she's going to slide consistently the next few weeks. I can feel it. The psycho vibe is going to start creeping in. She'll eek into the hometowns, but not by much.
Three: Lindzi. Shocking I know. But I think Ben really likes her. And he doesn't see the pyscho ticks that the rest of us see. She's solid through next week.
Four: Emily. The chief joke was gold. And the rap? Are you kidding. Let's call her the comeback kid. She's gonna keep eking up the charts from here on out.
Five: Rachel. Strong competitor, but I think it might be too little too late.
Six: Nicki. Spirited run, but I'm afraid the road ends in week seven.

Ready for next week? You better Belize it.

Damn Girl

Now a lot of armchair QBs are going to sit there and criticize the hell out of Jamie here. Not me. Nope. I liked it. Sometimes you gotta hike up the prom dress and have at it.
Then the kissing lesson happened and everything derailed. It reminded me of this scene in Spies Like Us. Dan Akroyd and Chevy Chase are pretending to be doctors, have no idea what they're doing, but try to hide it by being overly confident. That was Jamie's basic strategy here. Uber confidence to hide the fact she'd never kissed before. "You close your mouth and then you open it...right?" Then, when Ben was freaked out, she pretend like he was the clueless one. She took the only strategy she could and, yeah, I kind of admire her for it. She went down swinging. Don't hate the playa hate the game.

Making a Mockery

I need to vent for a second. 

Dear Casey S,

Who do you think you are? Seriously. This is the Bachelor. This isn't a joke. This is where real people come looking for real love. This is a format that, after 16 seasons has produced one marriage, one couple who lived together for a while and one case of domestic abuse. Ok? This shit is real. 

This this is not your private therapy session, Casey S. This is not a where you bide your time as you figure out what's happening between you and Michael. This is where you come for love, real love with intentions as pure as the glacier Kasey Kahl was abandon on. This is where you come for helicopter rides, concerts for two and when you want to lose your shit when you walk into a hotel lobby. This is a place of spelunking, honeymoon suites, appearing in the Lion King and trivializing South American indigenous culture. What part of this makes it seem like a joke to you? The only joke is you. Get in that minivan in bare feet and never, ever let me see you again.*

*We'll discuss this more at Women Tell All.

What's Up With All The Rompers?

There is no tougher look than a romper. Period. Obviously Blakely flailed on it. But, so did Casey S. Which is a shame because she's perhaps the most naturally pretty girl in the mix. Just goes to show how hard these things are to pull off. Because this is a clear miss. It looks all droopy and weird.*

There's also something really strange that in order to go to the bathroom you have to take the whole thing off. I don't know why but it's a nuance I just can't shake from my psyche. 

Who's The Better Crier?

Been really wrestling with this. Who's the better crier, this dude or Casey S. I was going to go with Casey S but I think I might be swayed because they teased the segment fifteen commercial breaks in a row. At any rate, I'm just saying it's a tough call.

Holy Scrapbook

So Blakely's how old, four? Or thirty four. I'm honestly trying to get my head around the concept of being in your mid thirties and making collages like this.

"Salsa is The World's Skankiest Dance...

So, you do the math." Blakely's basic rational on this date.

Pretty Unflattering

I'm a Rachel fan, but this ain't good.

A Tale Of Two Outfits

Rachel--Hot ass short shorts. Hot ass heels. Nice blouse that pulls it all together and keeps it safely out of skank range.
Good segue.
Blakely--Hot pants romper in Jams looking print. Disaster. No way Ben could bring this home. No way. Throw in a wrist tattoo and the writing is on the wall.

Courtney Gets Stood Up!

DAMN Ben. Guess you have some semblance of self control after all.  Play on playa. Courtney crying about her problems with men was sneaky the most satisfying part of this whole season. Courtney, I can break it down for your real quick. You said:
Men start out great.
Answer: Yes, because you're raging hot.
Then they start to take me for granted.
Answer: Yes, because you're a raging bitch. After a while, the bitch variable becomes stronger than the hot variable and you're punted like a piece of quilted purple luggage.

You're Dating The Chief?!!

BWHAHAAAAAAA! One sign of a joke not being funny is when the person says, "You're funny." Ben said it twice. I would have rather listened to another rap. That said, this was well played. Emily just put herself back in the mix.

I Hate The Way She Talks

No wonder her boyfriend broke up with her via text. That voice. Yuck. Welcome to Dumpsville indeed.

Question

Why sometimes did they go with black box and sometimes with the blurred box? And how much could you really see anyway? Not much. I think this is Harrison playing frigging games.

This Date Sucked

I kept hoping they'd hit a buried mine left over from the 1989 invasion. No deaths, just light maiming.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Boring. What does the eating disorder have to do with anything? I'm confused. And you had it for a year? That ain't shit. Talk to me after a three year stint and maybe then you have the right to hijack the show for fifteen minutes to talk about it. Talk about trying to dredge up drama over nothing.