Week 5 Watch List

Ho hum. Pretty boring episode all things considered. The field is starting to separate and real contenders are making themselves known. Obviously, the leaders in the clubhouse are Kacie B, Courtney and Jennifer. I see a real dogfight in the middle of the pack. But I will guarantee two of the girls listed below go home next week. That's not a prediction. That's a promise.

Elyse--Hanging on for dear life the last few weeks. Her run ends in week 5.
Jamie--Who? Exactly. Limo city sweetheart.
Blakely--I've never seen someone come out to more fanfare and the POOF the buzz just stops. It was like Starlight Express in the 80's. Opened with all this buzz, then people started watching and realized it sucked.
Nicki--Sometimes when you wish for something really, really, really, really hard...it still doesn't come through.

The Classic Trap

"This will end up in your own demise."

Well said Ben. Well said. The path to a limo ride is paved with good intentions. Stop it Emily. For the love of god stop it. Play your own game and forget about Courtney. I beg you...

Burying The Lead

So, the girls are rambling on and on about Ben and Jennifer. Are we not acknowledging that a girl with a forearm tattoo is dying Emily's hair in a bathroom? What the hell is going on here?  I want a full episode on this alone. Just when I get comfortable with the ebb and flow of the Bachelor, Harrison sticks a scene like this scene in my mug. Jesus. I have more questions than answers right now.*

*Is Blakey turning into Michelle Money? Large earrings, haircare professional, horrible fashion. 

Do They Have The Snow Shield Down?

I had to watch about seventeen times, but they do right? The shield you put down in February in a blizzard? Yeah Ben. Some outdoorsman.

Nothing More Romantic Than A Smoldering Ditch Covered in Rebar.

When I heard they were descending into a wet, stinky hole I assumed they were having a three way with Vienna. Hey Yo!

The Hair Seems Particularly Odd Here

Kind of like a mix between Vinny Barbarino and George Washington.

You Have The Audacity To Criticize A Group Date?!

How dare you, Samantha? Seriously, how dare you? The group date is one of the pillars of the Bachelor orthodoxy--group date, helicopter ride, note from Harrison with key to the fantasy suite, awkward concert for two. When you criticize the group date you are criticizing the foundation on which the bachelor franchise was built. Being sent home is not penalty enough. No, you should also be forced to follow Jake Pavelka's Twitter feed in perpetuity.*

*Jake blocked the Bachelor Blog from following him. 

A DRAFT BUST

Casey S is the quintessential first round bust. All the physical tools. Great looking, smartish, somewhat normal. But when she gets up to the show, she just never lives up to her potential. It's a real shame because I had big hopes for her. But they're fading. She'll stick around for a while, but I don't see a prolonged run. A career that will end too early. What a shame.

You Got a Stain on Your Ass Crack Bro.

I Found It!

An outfit less flattering than a Lion King leotard!

Borrring

Dull. Rachel seemed to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat at the buzzer, but the longterm signs aren't good with this one. If you have a hard time opening up to the person you're dating, what's the chance of opening up to the person you're dating while a few million people listen in. No way she makes it to the hometowns.

Um, Rachel. You're Kind of Facing the Wrong Direction.

Nobody, I mean Nobody, Pulls off "Mountain Causal" Like Chris Harrison

Week4 Power Rankings

As predicted things moved around a lot this week. At this point, I see it as a four dog race.

Courtney: Hot transcends all. No matter what happens I just get the sense she's safe until the hometowns. No need to really discuss her because she's in it for the long haul. Sidenote: Other girls ratting out to Ben what a bitch she is will be THEIR downfall--Something I call "The Bachelor Irony."

Jennifer: Killed it during her one on one time. Just flat killed it. Elevated to the two or three spot in one three minute sitting. Flawless pursuit.

Emily: Really cute, smart, fun. If she can keep a hold of her emotions she Harrison could be writing her a "should you choose to spend more time together, enclosed is a key to the fantasy suite..."

Kacie: Their time together seems natural and easy. Plus the site of her skiing ass first down Lombard Street is something that won't leave my memory Ben's memory anytime soon.

In Serious Trouble:
Monica: Sorry. Time's up. You've mellowed since the first rose ceremony but I just don't see your run going beyond week four.

Elyse: Do they have any rapport? I haven't seen it.

Better do Something Quick:
Casey S: I dubbed her this season's Britt. And it's turning out that way. I like her. She seems normal, but she better make a move or her limo could be on the way.

Blakely: Yes, Blakely. She has fallen to also-ran status. A milquetoast week 3 performance and more and more evidence she is a cheesy skank isn't doing her any favors. I honestly think she's in trouble.

Insult, meet Injury

Remember when that American kid vandalized some cars and stuff in Singapore and he had to get caned 50 times or something. Fun forgotten fact in the Singapore caning game, if you pass out they make you regain consciousness to resume the caning again.

That's basically what we just saw here. Gave Erica the smelling salts, got her back on her feet just to get leveled again. Diabolical Harrison. Absolutely diabolical.

Ben Pulls The Womack!

Not using the final rose. A power move made famous by Womack Picklesiemer. It's audacious. But at least Ben had the courtesy to let Harrison come out and do his "Ladies, it's the final rose" spiel. I can assure you he's earned that right.

If You Look Up "Shit Eating Grin" In The Dictionary

Kacie, you naughty girl. Not doing a very good job at hiding your joy at all this. At least look like you're bummed. It's standard Bachelor protocol.

Face of the Condemned

If Jaclyn starts to look any worse, Shawntel is going to try and embalm her.

Erica Down! Erica Down!

Is anyone a doctor?! She's not breathing?! Is anyone a mortician?!

Awkward

Brave girl. But the part that stuck out to me is when she said, "So I called Chris and asked if I could come on the show." Can you imagine having Chris Harrison's phone number? Be so awesome.

This Says Everything You Need To Know About Courtney

Oh, How The Mighty Have Fallen

This is sad to watch. Like Montana in Kansas City, Jordan in Washington or Brando in The Freshman. One of those decisions that taints the entire legacy. Why Shawntel? Why?

Tongue

Now that's how you make use of your alone time. Honest, open and full of tongue. Jennifer just engineered a power shift right in your grill  mix. Hall of fane level maneuvering.

This Is What Ben's Hair Would Look Like If He Grew It Out

Nothing More Romantic Than A City Administrative Building

The DMV must have been booked. And the private concert provided the standard douche chills, per usual.

Another Goddamn Vest?

As Demtri Martin says: Vests are amazing. A life vest protects you from drowning. And a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot. And a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

Goes for this thing that Ben is wearing too. So, unless you're a magician or working at Friday's leave the vest at home.

"People Should Know When They Are Conquered."

A memorable quote from Gladiator. To which Maximus replies: Would you Quintus? Would I?

Clearly for Brittney the answer is Yes. She was toast and she knew it. Don't give me that "my heart wasn't in it" bullshit. Ben had engineered a classic Bachelor No-Rose one-on-one set up. You could see it coming a mile away. Brittney saw it too. Better to get out on your own terms than get humiliated on National TV and be left on Kasey's metaphorical glacier as the helicopter pulls away.
And, I guess we found out who owns the purple quilted luggage.  http://canistealyouforasecond.blogspot.com/2012/01/whos-luggage-is-this.html
All the more reason for her to leave and never, ever come back.

Yuck

Not sure if it's the greasy face, the chin acne, the brown roots or the lack of personality but this girl just sucks. Could be a combo of everything. A Bachelor dud if ever there was one.

Who Had The Audacity To Keep Her Cover-Up On?!

Kind of like the fat kid who keeps his T-shirt on at the pool. Ends up calling more attention to yourself. Bad call.

The Fact That Her Dress Matches the Fireworks Perfectly is Gravy At This Point

We're Witnessing The Emergence of a Star

Can't say enough about Emily's performance here. She looked hot in a hard hat (Typically, a Bachelor curse. Need I mention Brad's fateful spelunking date with Alli? She never had a chance), the conversation was easy and she was refreshingly self effacing (admitting to putting overly hot pictures of herself on her on line dating profile). We're watching a contender emerge here. Impressed doesn't begin to describe how impressed I am.

Hickey or Mole?

Tough call. And, embarrassed that I know this, but...it could be a burn from a flat iron. I should stop typing now.

A DAY SPENT WITH CAL TRANS WORKERS? HOW ROMANTIC!!

Can't imagine a better date. Maybe, just maybe, when they come to New York Ben and a lucky lady will walk through the Lincoln Tunnel with the MTA.

"Did You Look Through This Thing?"

You don't have to be Amerigo Vespucci to know it's called a telescope. What a colossal dipshit.

A HOTEL LOBBY! HOLY SHIT!!

WOOOOO!! YESSSS! What is it about The Bachelor that makes women act like they've never been in a hotel lobby before? I haven't seen this much screaming in a hotel since Dominque Strauss-Kahn's last visit to New York.

All You Did Was Weaken A Nation Today, Bachelor Brass.

Exclusive: Emily Maynard Is the New Bachelorette

Sometimes there is nothing to say. What can you say? I didn't think it could get any worse than the Kasey arrest. But we've sunk lower. Much. You're goddamn right this is a day that will live in infamy.

Week 3 No Power Rankings

They call day three in a PGA tournament "moving day." The field shifts around, pretenders start to fade and the real players make a move up the leader board. I think you could say the same for Week 3 in the Bachelor. I expect a lot of action tonight. Because honestly, beyond Courtney, Kacie and Blakely I can't differentiate the rest of the pack. Hygienists are blending in with accountants and accountants are blending in with nurses and all of it is converging at Casey S's trading post. So, I'm going to mix it up this week and just predict the three girls that, I believe, are in serious jeopardy of going home.

Monica--she was one psycho away from getting canned last week. If Jenna's synapses were firing properly, I don't believe she would have gotten through last week. Time could be up for this season, but she's a lock for a spirited run on the Bachelor Pad.

Courtney--the Nana effect is gone. I don't see a solo date coming and I don't see a personality emerging. Recipe for a limo ride.

Jaclyn--she actually seems pretty normal. I kind of like her. But this is a shallow game. A hard game. A game where Harrison can pull your heart out and show it to you while it's still beating. So here it is: I don't see her having the aesthetic chops to keep this game rolling. There I said it. And, no. It didn't feel good. But it is what it is.

Check out live tweets during tonight's episode:
@thebachelorblog

End of an Error

As franchise legend Kasey so eloquently told Melissa on the Bachelor Pad: some people just aren't cut out for the pressure of this. Amen, Kasey. Amen. And I'd like to add a footnote to that.*

*And, some of those people are also flat out crazy.

I Did It Nana! Yeahhh!

Well don't get comfortable Honey. Nana ain't here to save your ass anymore. Over the course of two weeks you've shown me nothing. You're gone next week. You can print that.

Who's Luggage Is This?

Forget Blakely crying on the floor. Who cares. Just another leathery item in the room as far as I'm concerned. But who's quilted purple rolling bag is that? I want that luggage and its owner out of this house immediately. In case you need to know why:
http://canistealyouforasecond.blogspot.com/2011/01/lets-talk-luggage.html

Jenna: I'm Not Like A Girl

Ben: I appreciate that.

Wow. Talk about bad note to go into the rose ceremony on.

Texbook "You Already Have a Rose" Barge In

Seen it for years. But I think Vienna turned it into an art form. As a VIP cocktail waitress Blakely might just have unknowingly slipped into work mode. Maybe we can give her a pass this once.

But Seriously, How Much Hotter is She Than Ashley.

Listen. I know Courtney is mean. I know that I pick out little nitpicky things about her, but that's just because I kind of hate her. She is horrible to the other girls. I doubt very seriously she's here for the right reasons. But how much hotter is she than Ashley? I mean seriously. Ashley looked like an Olsen twin wearing a Nicholas Cage wig. And Courtney is, well, smoking hot. Talk about dodging a bullet. No matter what happens Ben...you've already won in my book.

Scotch Says It All

This was roughly my expression watching this whole date. What we saw here was a typical Bachelor trap: everything looks good on paper. Handsome couple, nice date, dog wrapped in towel...the works. But the date itself is milquetoast and boring. They literally have nothing to talk about. So they go into their one on one interviews and talk about how great was while the rest of us stare at the TV like Scotch--just sitting wondering if we were watching the same date they were talking about. Seen it a million times. It pretty much defined Brad and Emily. 

Are Her Eyebrows Strangely Wide?

They kind of wrap around toward her temple or something? I don't know. We can come back to it, but keep an eye out.

"It's Just Him and I."

It's him and me you dope. Is this really the kind of girl you want to give a rose to Ben? Really?

Also Rocking "The Emily."

Kind of sad that Kacie rocked "The Emily" more effectively than "the model" Courtney. I'm just not feeling it and by it I mean my ding dong.

What Time Are The Flashdance Try-Outs?

NOOOOOOOO!!

"She made the most of her time with me...in conversation." Kind of crowbarred "in conversation" at the last minute, didn't he? The underwater gropefest had nothing to do with it, I'm sure.
No wonder shortly after, the "horsey," "manly," "tranny" comments started coming out. "She's a candy striping hooker" is the quote of the season so far. Congrats Samantha. She's turning into on of my favorites, frankly.

Oh Boy

What the hell happened to Kacie's hair? Truth be told, I was worried about this. I like her a lot but I'm afraid I'll spend my life  Ben will spend his life waiting in the living room while she finishes flat ironing her hair. Maybe not the most romantic point in the world, but this is the stuff you have to consider when you're here for the right reasons.